Famous romance novelist Nicholas Sparks once wrote,
“The emotion that can break your heart
is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
As cliche as it sounds,
I no longer believe that falling in love is going to save us,
not from ourselves and not from the inevitable storm ahead.
The clouds have been gathering over head for months now,
I chose to act like the sun was always coming back out,
The very idea that the love we share is both destroying me
and keeping me alive is hedonistic at best.
I’m no weather man but it seems to be raining red flags now,
we’ve been dancing in the streets begging for more
I gain unconscious pleasure from the pain of losing you
over and over again to the flood,
being wounded has it’s perks, after all,
I looked much the same when you found me right?
We’re just a shitty love story turned scratched vinyl record,
we can’t stop pulling the plastic back beneath our fingers
to replay the ending,
supposedly well written fantasy either
ends in happily ever after or tragedy,
and this looks more like self fulfilling prophecy.
They never mentioned fairy tales going awry at the
drop of a dime and the distressed left in the dark forest
waiting for the half slain monster,
I…I mean the prince…to swallow her whole.
I’m not convinced this model of love is worth the river running
out from under my bedroom door, worth continuing to write about,
not convinced that there will ever be an emotional payout for chasing someone who makes their living on running away.
The emotion that was made to break my heart is
the inner conflict of selfish and selfless spinning
a whirlpool depression in my chest because no one
will never be able to love you well enough to
save you from your homegrown impending doom complex.
Lead me to where this tornado begins to heal me…
It is difficult to wield my impatience silently,
analyzing the way my body detoxes you out of me
pores and ducts compiling the poisons you left
minerals inside to extract so that
I may not forget
mental stamina halted by the crucial processing
healing is cyclical and having anxiety can alter
it’s trajectory a little but this self served circle will be completed
disguising survival as self love for the sake of saving face
while i take a second tour of the stages of grief in no
particular order, reliving my traumas like movie trailers
saved them for a dreary day such as this,
seek therapy as if I still believe someone out there has
the answers, get wasted once in a while and remember
why hopelessness is dangerous,
Can only see it when I’m bruised and
buried under it.
I find myself inspired by my loneliness,
supported only by my poetry,
ugly crying when I wake up in the same bad dream
can’t let the paranoias get the best of me, I am
letting go of what used to be
in one massive energetic release,
my aching body hoarding feelings
because that is how it is used to gaining control,
not this time, I am obsessing over my delusions
trying desperately to make them real, not this time
Naivety can in fact be cured but
using another human to witness your own healing
is a manipulation with no antidote hiding inside,
the results come out incoherent anyway
You have been alive 99 days longer than I have
With that extra time I expect you to be 99 days wiser
than I am, expect you to value your time a little more
But we all work at our own pace
and I’ve seen you pace a lot of circles into the floor
there are probably more in your future
I hope they look so much like break dancing
you throw windmills to settle the score with yourself
hope you find your answers in the flow
and start asking harder questions
The things you love the most in
the world can still be hard work,
in fact maybe they should be
Someday we will both get better at
paving our own way so that the labor
feels more like playing with your best friend
Until then we keep pulling each other’s hair out
strand by strand and catching fingers in every slammed door
this love is not the safety net that we planned for
I lose my balance every other step now
We have been crawling in and out of each other for
250 days without truly ceasing, what a polluted
cesspool of love we created to keep feeding each other our lies.
Are you still hungry? I could have just one more bite.
Spoon feed me all the reasons the wounds are still open.
Give it to me straight, what is the diagnosis?
Will the PTSD control the remainder of me
that you have not claimed as marionette parts?
We have not been on the same page since you
started skipping ahead to see whats next,
and ripping out chapters at random.
What would a romance novelist do to
heal them self from the inevitable?
Are we really just waiting around
for the dawn of the next cycle,
the point where the familiar emotion
fills us up with enough smoke and
to send out another beacon of hope?
photo: Noah Buscher