Your love life is in shambles this winter, Sagittarius. Having lost sight of the importance of your relationship, things will be a bit rocky but don’t fret. For ten thousand dollars, you can franchise a Taco Bell, and then immediately burn it down in a beautiful post-capitalistic display of your undying love for your nearest and dearest. Your lover, enamored by your passion and rationality, will come running back into your arms and peace will be restored in your romantic zones.
We just really are starting to worry about you, Capricorn. The 100-piece puzzle was cool and the 1000-piece puzzle was a good challenge but now you’ve locked yourself in Toys-R-Us for the last sixty-three hours and have been shouting that you are the Banana King of the Taj Mahal and that you demand at least thirty percent more bananas. There’s more to life than bananas and puzzles, Capricorn. Please try and remember that.
This winter, you will decide to travel to a warmer climate and book a trip to Australia. Unfortunately, Aquarius, your plane will fly right over the Bermuda Triangle and come crashing down, leaving you on a mystical island with bubblegum trees and locals that have oversized hands and terrible breath. Mistaking you for Glenn Close, the locals will worship you as a god and offer you truffles and a nice bed. You will graciously accept their offers but these good times can’t last forever, Aquarius. When the real Glenn Close arrives on the island, they will see you for the fraud you are and imprison you in a dungeon where your only form of entertainment and exercise will be a DVD of Power 90, and let me tell you from experience, Aquarius, Tony Horton is super charming at first, but he gets old pretty quickly.
I’m sorry to say, Pisces, you’re gonna get stuck in an elevator this winter.
That’s it. Just a long winter stuck inside an elevator. Sorry.
It is important to not be too vague, Aries. There are situations you will encounter where there are decisions to be made and you may need to make decisions, or not make decisions. Just remember, Aries. What is most important is that you look at things and say to yourself “why?” and “why not?” Remember what your teachers used to tell you. If things get confusing, you can always find refuge in those places where you best find refuge. You know what I mean.
Be very aware of time this winter, Taurus. Specifically, Morris Day and the Time. Jungle Love may sound enticing at first, but it has some pretty vicious side effects. You will fall in love with a woman named Apollonia this fall and she will treat you like a Prince, but despite how beautiful things are at first, try to take it easy on the echoing vocals, or she may cast a wicked spell to turn you into a symbol.
This winter is a time of adventure for you, Gemini. After being told you do a good Forrest Gump impression at a party, you will assemble a Gumpesque ensemble and buy a shrimp boat and head out into the great beyond with your cat Russell who you’ve renamed Bubba and you will see the world, by which I mean you will be arrested for not having your mariner’s license, but fear not, Gemini. You will make it safely to shore before the cops catch you and then you’d better run. Run, Forrest, run.
This winter you will discover your hidden talent for business, Cancer, upon realizing that you can do quite well in the corporate world by saying “let’s table this discussion” at every opportunity to do so. Over the course of three months, you climb the ranks at your corporate job from lowly peon to CEO, simply through the magic of those four words “let’s table this discussion”. Your TEDtalk is the most viewed TEDtalk of all time and Oprah brings back her talk show just to interview you. Of course, it’s time for your Tom Cruise couch moment, and everyone knows it’s impossible to come back from a Tom Cruise couch moment.
Your confidence is your strength, Leo, so have confidence in everything you do. When you wake up in the morning, say “I am confidently waking up!” When you brush your teeth, proclaim “I am confidently brushing my teeth!” When you are stuck in traffic on the way to your job at the car wash, let the people know “I am confidently stuck in traffic!” When your boss writes you up for being high on the job at the car wash, look him dead in his eyes and say “Doug, I am confidently signing this write up!” and when you get home to eat your Totino’s party pizza and watch Alf in your mom’s basement, do that with confidence too. Alf would want that for you, Leo.
Your Achiles’ heel has always been your anxiety, Virgo, but if you can face your fears, then there is nothing that could possibly stop you. I know that we live in a post-capitalist society where it’s dog-eat-dog and almost the entirety of human experience has been swept up into a veil of fraudulence, but look at the bright side, Virgo. If you work hard, then you can be rich and miserable for a whole different set of reasons. There’s no reason to focus on this strange digital urban landscape we’ve created where humanity is a plastic straw that runs down the sewers to pollute the ocean in a never-ending cycle of destruction. Just remember, your life may be ending one minute at a time, but time is a human construct, it’s death that you really have to look out for.
The world is your oyster, Libra. One sunny day, a man in a pink poncho and uggs will arrive on your doorstep and tell you that you’ve been selected in their random drawing and you’ve won a prize! Ten thousand dollars, either in the form of a giant check or direct deposited to your bank account. Literally all you have to do, Libra, is decide what form you want your ten thousand dollars in. You’ll sit for a minute weighing the benefits of both; you have always wanted one of those giant checks, but direct deposit would be so convenient. You make a pros and cons list while the man in the poncho waits patiently for you to decide. Time continues on. It’s Spring now and you’re certain you’ve almost decided how you want your ten thousand dollars presented to you. The poncho man grows week, having slept now on your porch for months, only feeding on what little flora and fauna he’s been able to gather from your front patio. You sleep on it and keep thinking. You’d hate to make the wrong decision. The poncho man grows weary and in time becomes just a skeleton in ugg boots on your front porch and then dust in the wind. A giant check would be nice, but when will you have time to go to the bank?
This winter may be an emotional time for you, Scorpio, by which I mean you’re a little bit too sensitive this season, by which I mean you cried when your Hot Pockets © finished cooking in the microwave and proceeded to stitch yourself a Hot Pocket © – themed onesie and watch Youtube videos of Hot Pocket © commercials in chronological order, insistent on singing that little jingle every time. Take it easy this winter, Scorpio.
It’s smooth smooth sailing for you, Aquemini, because cool cats like you never ever jump off the funky bus. Just keep your head high, your soul fly and tell the haters see you later, gator. You’re the King of Cool and fresh to death from your blue silk suit to your peppermint breath. Ain’t nobody dope as you, you’re cooler than the polar bear’s toe nails, oh hell yes.
Alright alright alright alright alright.
Brice Maiurro is the Editor-In-Chief of South Broadway Ghost Society. You can find him on Instagram at @maiurro.
Photo: Josh Rangel