Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you will soon receive an email from a Prince in Saudi Arabia who is in danger of losing a very large sum of money, millions of dollars, if he does not find someone willing to share their social security number and bank information so he can securely transfer the funds for safekeeping. You’ve been burned before, Scorpio, but don’t let your distrust of people stop you from opportunities to live your best life.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius, the planets are aligning and now is the time to fall in love. You’ve put a lot of energy into self-care and now it is manifesting as you attract the love of a young suitor. Perhaps a birch tree, or that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry Seinfeld wears the pirate shirt. Either way, you finally have the love you’ve craved for so long, and are ready to have a life-long relationship with a birch tree or an episode of Seinfeld. It’s gonna be really fucking great. I am definitely not lying.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, with your rising sign in your third house, you are extra susceptible to the fact that Mercury is in retrograde. Freddie Mercury specifically. Freddie Mercury is in retrograde. It’s really bizarre. He’s climbed out of his grave and is walking backwards around town singing “Don’t Stop Me Now” on repeat. It’s probably best to not leave the house for a few weeks until this all shakes out or until Brian May scares Freddie back into his grave with a terrible solo album called “beating a dead horse.” Be careful Capricorn. Freddie Mercury is in retrograde.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Aquarius, it’s really dope how immediately after cheating on my best friend you sent me those super funny memes. It was really fucking cool, Aquarius. I was so impressed by the way you said we should still be internet friends with that hilarious video of the bear that snuck into the Stanley Hotel. I hope that you don’t get eaten by the bear that snuck into the Stanley Hotel. That would be terrible if you got eaten by a fucking bear. Wishing you all the best this fall, Aquarius, as you travel down a lonely selfish road in life that ends with the emptiest hole in your heart that you desperately try to fill with Hungry Man salisbury steak dinners that you purchase with coupons you clip out of a copy of the Denver Post you stole from your neighbor because you’re a piece of shit. You’re a piece of shit, Aquarius, and your heart is an empty hole that will never be filled by any amount of Hungryman salisbury steak, or whipped mashed potatoes, or weird apple dessert thing.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces, did you know that Kurt Cobain was a Pisces? Well, he was, and if you don’t know who Kurt Cobain was, he was an American musician who shot himself after struggling with heroin addiction, and America decided to largely blame his lover Courtney Love for this, because this country is so delusional in thinking that women are directly responsible for the well-being of the men that they are with that when a noticeably disturbed artist takes his own life, we crucify their partners for not doing the emotional labor of curing someone of a lifetime struggle with mental health, despite having their own mental health concerns that they struggle with or, I don’t know, despite the fact that they are in fact a separate person. Shout out to Yoko Ono, who isn’t just John Lennon’s crazy widow, but also an incredibly talented artist who has created a lifetime of beautiful amazing art.

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Aries, listen to your dreams, specifically that dream where you set a giant pile of dildos on fire. This is the universe’s way of telling you that every orgasm you’ve had in your life is a lie, and that somewhere out there is the orgasm you truly seek. Your soul orgasm is waiting for you, like a sleeping amethyst tiger burning in the dark depths of the grimmest muckiest jungles of the Amazon and to find it, simply purchase a private plane to the Andes mountains of Peru, boogie board down said mountains into the mouth of the Amazon River where you will be met by a killer whale named Gepetto, who will not guide you to your soul orgasm, but will in fact try to distract you from it by sending you “WYD” texts at 2 AM. Gepetto is a fuckboi. There is no soul orgasm to be had with a fuckboi, but also rules are made to be broken. Keep pushing, Aries. Your soul orgasm awaits you, like a sleeping amethyst tiger burning in the dark depths of the grimmest muckiest jungles of the Amazon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, no sign loves the comfort of a bed quite as much as you, so invest in a state-of-the-art Tempurpedic mattress. The Tempurpedic mattress comes with a SmartClimate Dual Cover System, a next-generation cool-to-touch outer layer and super-stretch inner layer for convenience and comfort, a Tempur-APR Comfort Layer, our most pressure relieving material ever, made for deeper, more rejuvenating sleep and of course the original Tempur support layer, advanced adaptability for truly personalized comfort and support. But be careful, Taurus. Comfort is the death of passion.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini, Sunday night you will make yourself a truly lovely dinner of fish tacos with a fresh mango chutney and a side of rice pilaf. Monday morning, having neglected your meal prep once again, you will decide to bring leftover fish tacos to work. While stuck on I-25 on your way to work, you will spend energy convincing yourself that if you microwave your fish at work that it’s not going to stink up the entire office, but you and I both know, Gemini, it is going to stink up the entire office. Has anyone ever microwaved leftover fish, especially from a landlocked state like Colorado, and not completely drowned the entire office building with the lingering scent of tilapia fishdeath for weeks, if not months to come? And really? Tilapia, Gemini? Just spend the extra few bucks on salmon. The office would still smell like shit when you’re done selfishly microwaving it, but at least people won’t know what a classless rube you truly are.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer, you are in very severe danger if you do not make efforts to avoid poetry this fall. Tread softly and carry a big stick. Late one night you may have a strange urge to write a haiku, but do not scratch that itch or you will blink only to find yourself living in a 300 square foot studio apartment called The Kerouac where you spend your only remaining money on Djarum blacks and for fun you wander around late at night to Tom’s Diner where you order a water and flip a quarter to the waiter while saying things like “as the spirit wanes, the form appears, man,” and “death is a Beatles song.” Don’t do it, Cancer. Avoid the poetry. Take up a healthier hobby like crying deeply in public restrooms to songs by The Smiths.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, there are big financial opportunities and romance in your future. Sick of living in poverty, you will decide to leave your home country to see the new world. Upon boarding a beautiful ship, you will have many adventures including drunken-poor-people-dance-offs and car sex. You will meet a woman from a very different class than you and quickly fall in love, but do not fret, Leo, she loves you for you and your mediocre drawing skills. You will be the king of the world, until the ship begins to sink and she doesn’t even offer to share a door with you to keep you warm in the freezing waters where you die of hypothermia. The good news is in another life you will win an academy award for being a furtrapper who sleeps inside of a dead horse.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, you really need to let go of telling everyone about that one time you met Drake at the airport. People are at a point that they are sick of hearing about how you met Drake at the airport, and a lot of us suspect that in reality you never met Drake at the airport. Rather than investing in Drake stories, take some time for yourself. As productive as it may feel to post regularly on the Reddit thread for Ronald Reagan conspiracy theories, it is in fact a distraction from you facing your student loan debt and the fact that you’re 37 years old and work part time at Starbucks. Justifying yourself as a revolutionary fighting against late capitalism with your twenty hour a week job for a major coffee chain is not going to get you as far as you had originally intended. Also, Ronald Reagan had absolutely nothing to do with the blue demon horse at DIA.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you’ve been suspecting lately that you are actually a ferret trapped inside of a human body. Trust your intuition. What you may perceive as your friend’s roller hockey league is in fact a civil war between the ferret robot pilots and the hamster robot pilots. Ever since they broke the Dwarfland Treaty of 1812, there has been countless soldiers lost to the bloodshed of rodents for dominion over the Englewood Skate Rink. Do not trust anyone. The rink’s strobe lights are being piloted by a chinchilla named Frank who got his bachelor’s in stage design at RMCAD and is now using his education to partner with the hamsters to create psychological warfare.